Body

| I'm still learning to love me. |

I miss being four,
 without a reason to hate my body.
And yet
 the hatred tore me apart.
The feeling still haunts me.

I want to be nine again.
Unburdened, allowed to dream,
 I want a spine that doesn't need to be fixed.
A contained bloodstream.

I'm still twelve in my head.
Lagging behind,
 still so desperate to get ahead.
Mind on the edge of a cliff,
 body begging to be fed.

I only had control at fourteen.
Dirty, messy, alone,
 I was nothing but pain…
But I was my own.

I wish
 I never
 disowned myself.